


I’m heartbroken but I still miss you. (A fem Reddie One shot)

by Victorydoll



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Beverly Marsh is a Good Friend, Collage, Depression, F/F, Fem Reddie, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lesbian Eddie Kaspbrak, Lesbian Richie Tozier, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, Mike Hanlon is a Good Friend, Pills, Self-Hatred, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, no happy ending, writing from the heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:21:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27140002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victorydoll/pseuds/Victorydoll
Summary: It was a Wednesday night when the thoughts started. The flurry of self-hatred and paranoia that crept into my brain and convinced me that I’m worthless. I couldn’t really put a finger on it at the start. I just felt overwhelmingly depressed. It only hit me when I was lying in the bed; I clutched onto my pillow just to feel grounded and let a few tears slip from my eyes. I dunno why but I felt so alone and I felt this pain in my chest that only faded once the sleeping tablets I was on kicked in.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	I’m heartbroken but I still miss you. (A fem Reddie One shot)

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a retelling of something personal and hard. As a form of therapy I have turned something incredibly painful into a piece of writing. I wrote directly from the heart and all of this is incredibly raw for me. I hope by posting i will be able to heal and learn from and that someone who’s going through something similar knows they are not alone.

It was a Wednesday night when the thoughts started. The flurry of self-hatred and paranoia that crept into my brain and convinced me that I’m worthless. I couldn’t really put a finger on it at the start. I just felt overwhelmingly depressed. It only hit me when I was lying in the bed; I clutched onto my pillow just to feel grounded and let a few tears slip from my eyes. I dunno why but I felt so alone and I felt this pain in my chest that only faded once the sleeping tablets I was on kicked in.

‘G’morning Eddie. How’d you sleep?’ Beverly asked leaning against the kitchen counter. She always looks so pretty; with her fiery red hair and sparkling blue eyes no wonder Ben had such a massive crush on her I would too if it weren’t for. ‘Where’s Richie. She’s not been back to the house in a while’. I sink down onto my chair and looked down sadly. I knew exactly where she was; she had found a new group of friends to hang out with and since then she’s been so much more distant with me. She was barley in the house and when she did come home, she was stuck in her room. She used to come into my room almost every night and we would chat about nothing for hours. I would nestle myself in the crook of her arm or on her lap and she would hold me and stroke my hair. Until we both drifted off to sleep. ‘Sorry did I strike a nerve’ Bev asked cautiously. I shook my head ‘No. It’s okay. I’m sure she’ll be back soon, I guess. Anyway, what’s for breakfast?’

I walked through the collage cafeteria. I was meeting up with Mike, so we could go and study for an hour or so when I saw something the made both my blood boil and tears start to form in the corner of my eyes. I could see the Richie’s new friend group and even worse a blonde girl sitting right on her lap smiling and flirting with her and playing with her hair and even worse she was flirting back with her. ‘Hey, you ready to go?’ I hear a voice say from behind me a hand resting on my shoulder. I flinched and when I looked around to face Mike, he could tell something was wrong. ‘Eddie what’s wrong?’ He asked. He went to bring me into a hug but I brushed him off ‘Nothing’ I reply snappily as leave the room.

Slamming the door and rushing up to my room was the first thing I thought about when I got home. I could hear a few people call my name but I didn’t respond. I felt like I wanted to throw things around my room and scream. So now I know why she never checks in on me anymore she’s too busy having this new bitch all over her. So, I guess if she’s getting it of someone else now; she doesn’t need me anymore. I don’t know why I’m shocked I should be used to people abandoning me. My dad left and my mum hates me and I’m sure my friends are only with me because I pay rent. Maybe I would be better off alone. Fuck this! Why am I soo fucking devastated; it’s not even like we were even together. So why do I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and being thrown against the wall.

So, I can’t even be mad at her. It’s not like I’ve just been cheated on so why I still feel so angry. I pull the duvet over my head and scream. I just sit there in the dark; trying to fall asleep but all I can think about is how we used to make each other laugh. How we kept each other up the whole night because we just couldn’t stop talking to each other. How her lips felt when she kissed me and how tender she was when I was resting against her arms. It felt so real and for the first time in a long time I felt special and safe and seen. I don’t let many people in and see this vulnerable side of me. Usually I’m quite distant with people but I felt safe enough to share so many things with her that I wouldn’t have told anyone else. She was the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. Every time she would speak to me, I would get a fluttery feeling in my heart and she would do the stupidest things to make me laugh. She was an idiot and out of nowhere feelings started to blossom and everything just felt so natural and right. 

Not being able to sleep is getting me irritated; so, I start taking my sleeping pills. It was just the two at first as I struggled to toss and turn against the sheets whilst all of the good times, I had with her invaded my mind making me feel worse. So, I take another and another until I have took five pills just so that I could feel numb. I was sick of my chest hurting this much and my tears drenching the pillow. I start to feel dizzy and without thinking I open up my messages with Richie and type…

‘Taking three sleeping tablets is trippy’

‘Just took two more. I just wanna feel numb ya know. Wanna be knocked out maybe for good I dunno. I might take more if this doesn’t work. Just don’t want to feel anything anymore’. 

‘I wonder how many of these it would take to actually kill me. Come up with some good jokes for my funeral yea. I’m used to being the laughingstock’.

I don’t even know why I sent them. I just felt so bitter and angry but I didn’t know if it was towards her or myself but either way, I just felt like lashing out. I was hurting so it was only right that she did too. The pills finally kicked in and I’m able to drift off to sleep.

Waking up in the morning was a struggle after two hours of sleep but I was surprisingly focused. I didn’t feel like eating and I no longer felt like I could stay in that room any longer so I was out on my run by 7am. I went through my daily tasks with a hyper focused but dissociated mind like I was watching myself from outside my body but I felt nothing. But I couldn’t do that for very long and especially when I saw Richie standing outside the door. ‘The fucking key’s aren’t working’. I clench my fists; that anger I felt last night came back tenfold. I barge past her and open the door. ‘Eddie?’ I heard her call me but I did not want to look her in the eyes.

‘Eddie. What was with those texts last night?’. I turn around and look at her face and everything I felt just boiled over and I wasn’t able to keep anything in. ‘Don’t bother Richie! I’m a fucking disease that corrupts people anyway. I’m better off alone’ I could see confusion on her face and it just made me angrier. ‘You should be careful what you’re saying. I’m not going to chase anybody’. She replies. I don’t think anything she could have said at that moment would have stopped me but especially hearing that she wouldn’t chase after me just made me feel like she didn’t care. 

‘I think I fucking love you and you will never love me back!’ I scream at her, tears flowing from my eyes because it’s true but what do I do with these feelings that I have. I wish I had never had them in the first place. She told me she can’t fall in love with anyone but it still didn’t stop me from developing them but what could I do when she made me feel special and loved and wanted and it felt so different and to hear that it was just appreciation but nothing romantic did not go very well with me. I just got angrier and angrier and everything I said was accused as me putting words in her mouth which wasn’t what I was trying to do at all. Or maybe I was. I don’t know anymore.

Either way it escalated and I found myself looking at a packet of pills having already taken six in a row. She watched me do it but now she was angry but instead of staying and making sure I stayed alive. she left me ‘Call a suicide hotline. I’m removing myself from this situation’. I did immediately because it all felt so real this time. I’ve felt suicidal before, usually by taking pills but I have once tried to hang myself. but this time I was ready to take all of my pills and wait for it to kill me. I truly believe people are better of without me. I’m not nor will I ever be special; everyone leaves me once something or someone better comes along and it fucking hurts! Getting to know and trust a person and letting someone in only for them to get bored of me and leave is something that happens way to often and it’s all my fault. I’m so fucking lonely; just a girl who has spent so many years of her life just wanting to be loved but maybe I don’t deserve it. 

I was on the phone for about an hour and the volunteer successfully stopped me from taking any more pills. After this I just felt drained; Richie had left and I wasn’t sure it would help if she had stuck around anyway. Beverly finally got me to eat something and stayed with me to make sure I did. No one let me out of their sight for the rest of the night and they did try their best to cheer me up but nothing was working. At this point I just felt drained and I wanted nothing more than to sleep for a million years. ‘Hey, can I come in?’ Stan asked from the other side of the door. I let him in; not believing I could have coped on my own in this room all night.

‘Just tell me what you need from me and I will do it’ He had so much concern in his eyes and as I briefly glance into my mirror I see why. My eyes had deep bags under them; my hair sticking out everywhere and I was hiding my scratch marks under my baggy jumper. ‘Can you stay with me tonight?’ I ask after a while and he nods. It felt nice to be held and I was content enough to sleep peacefully without the use of my pills. After everything I just wanted to sleep.

The next morning as I was about to open the door to the kitchen when I heard Stan through the door. 

‘Richie can I talk to you a minute.’ 

‘Oh, not now Stan I don’t wanna hear it’. 

‘You might not want to hear it but I’m gonna do it anyway because you know why. That poor girl is absolutely heartbroken. She hates herself just because she wanted to love you and you’re acting like she’s committed some sort of crime! Now she doesn’t want any of us to yell at you because somewhere in that poor broken heart of her’s she still loves and cares about you. She thinks you’ve abandoned her and that’s really what this is all about. She took you in when you we’re getting harassed. That night when you slashed up your arms; she was their right beside you helping you to dress the wound and stay with you and talk to you until you we’re able to fall asleep. Eddie has one breakdown and just because it involves you. You just abandon her when she needs you the most. Now me and the rest of us are gonna do our dammed best to put a smile back on her warm, loving, kind-hearted face. She deserves to be loved and cared for. She opened her heart to you something that she doesn’t do with many people and she genuinely loves you and she misses you. Just think about that for a while yea?’


End file.
